Don’t fool yourself: Sevensigns that you’re being passive-aggressive
We’ve all come acrosspassive-aggressive behavior at some point — from the friend who complimentsyour “starter home” to the co-worker who checks his phone while you’re talking.But while it’s easy to spot when it’s happening to us, it’s not always easy toknow when we’re doing it.
Beingpassive-aggressive doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Often it’s “a strategy weuse when we think we don’t deserve to speak our minds or we’re afraid to behonest and open,” says psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson, LPC, author of ConstructiveWallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings.
Are you beingpassive-aggressive … but have no idea? Here are seven common signs.
1. Making Wistful Statements
Onepassive-aggressive behavior happens when you want something but aren’t askingfor it directly. “For instance, when a friend mentions she’ll be attending aparty and you say, “I wish I could go,’” says New York City-basedpsychotherapist Janet Zinn, LCSW. “It’s better to ask, ‘Any way I could come?’It’s more direct and doesn’t leave your friend feeling pressured or uncertain.”
Another,far less benign way this type of passive aggression can manifest isthrough small put-downs and insults, says clinical psychologist Dr. RamaniDurvasula. For example, someone comes to the office in beautiful new shoes andyou say, “I wish I could get a new pair like that — but, sadly, all my shoemoney goes to rent.”
Commentslike these (perhaps intentionally) make the receiver feel guilty for getting ordoing whatever it is that you can’t.
2. Doling Out Backhanded Compliments
Sometimesjealousy and passive aggression combine. Instead of being able to react the wayyou might want to (happy for the person), you instead say something that justsounds, well, rude.
Forexample, if a friend gets engaged and you’ve been waiting years for yourboyfriend to propose, you might call her new bling “cute” or say you thoughtthe diamond would be bigger. If a friend buys a house and you’re nowhere near adown payment, you might call his place “cozy” or remark that it’s a good “fixer-upper.”
If you catch yourselfdoing this, take a step back and apologize. It’s better to acknowledge your misstep— even your jealous feelings, if you’re talking to a close pal — thanmistakenly assume that no one caught it.
3. Ignoring or Saying Nothing
Onthe other end of the spectrum, sometimes saying nothing at all ispassive-aggressive. According to psychotherapist Katherine Crowley, author ofWorking for You Isn’t Working for me, checking your phone when a colleague istrying to speak with you or during a meeting are examples of passive-aggressivebehavior.
Soundfamiliar? Try to break this habit ASAP by not bringing your phone into meetingsor even sticking it in your desk drawer when a colleague approaches. (If youget a must-be-answered-now email, momentarily excuse yourself from theconversation or meeting to respond so you’re typing doesn’t come off as rude.)
Ignoringsomeone’s calls, e-mails, or texts as a way of sending a message that you’reupset with him or her is another way this behavior can manifest. “Instead ofcommunicating clearly and honestly, you are ｄropping hints and waiting for theother person to pick up on them,” says psychotherapist Jessica S. Campbell.“When he doesn’t, he is punished with the silent treatment, cold shoulder,or some other method of withholding.”
4. Procrastinating
Amore active form of ignoring is procrastination. Maybe you’re unhappywith your job or your role in a particular project, but instead of sayingsomething (or doing something proactive), you take extra-long lunches or even asick day as the deadline approaches.
Socially,this behavior typically comes in the form of backing out of an obligation atthe last minute — like giving an excuse that you can’t make it when you reallyjust didn’t want to go in the first place, says friendship expert NicoleZangara — or denying knowledge of the event altogether.
“Passive-aggressivebehavior has 100 percent deniability and zero percent acｃountability,”Gilbertson says. “You can always say you didn’t receive the invitation, youlost it, or it completely slipped your mind, while your true motive — to turndown the invitation — remains hidden.”
5. Leaving Someone Out
Perhapsyou’re not fond of a certain colleague. Rather than address the issue directly,you go out of your way to edge him out of the office clique. You mightdo this by inviting everyone on your team to lunch, except him, or gossipingabout him, Crowley says.
Anotherexample of passive-aggressive behavior in this category, says counselor MichaelDiettrich-Chastain, is when “it’s your day to go on a coffee run for work andyou ask everyone in the office except the co-worker you don’t like.”
6. Sabotaging Someone
Amore extreme move related to leaving someone out is downright sabotaging her.Instead of just excluding someone socially, you purposely leave her off e-mailchains or meeting invites, or even “forget” to tell her when a deadline hasbeen changed. If someone points it out, you make statements like, “Oh, I had noidea,” “I’m so sorry,” or, “I wonder how that happened,” says clinicalpsychologist Dr. Ben Michaelis, to absolve yourself of blame.
Inpersonal relationships, sabotaging could come in the form of “innocently”bringing your friend a cupcake when you know he’s trying to lose weight orpressuring a pal to hit the mall when she’s struggling to save money. In bothcases, you might feel, however subconsciously, jealous or that you lack his orher discipline or willpower.
7. Keeping Score
Whensomeone misses an important life event of yours, whether it’s not attendingyour birthday party or not making the effort to go to your wedding, it’snatural to feel disappointed. In many cases, however, instead of confrontingthe person directly (or letting it go), we tend to fall into a tit-for-tatsort of pattern — which is passive-aggressive.
“Forexample, you aren’t going to their birthday party because they didn’t come toyour baby shower. Or you aren’t inviting them to your dinner party because theycouldn’t attend your last one,” Campbell says. “Either way, you are keepingscore and not creating a supportive relationship.”
Article Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/04/14/dont-fool-yourself-seven-signs-that-youre-being-passive-aggressive/
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VOCABULARY WORDS:
1. Wistful (adj.) ~ thoughtful and rathersad, as if longing for something with a little hope
2. Benign (adj.) ~ of no danger
3. Backhanded(adj.) ~ having derogatory or insulting implication
4. Fixer-upper (n.) ~ a house that is badlyin need of repair
5. Misstep (n.) ~ an instance of wrong orimproper conduct
6. Cold shoulder (n./ informal) ~deliberate coldness or disregard
7. Procrastination (n.) ~ the act ofputting off doing something
8. Clique (n.) ~ a small exclusive group offriends or associate
9. Absolve (v.) ~ to pronounce clear ofguilt or blame
10. Tit-for-tat (n.) ~ an equivalent givenin return
QUESTIONS FORDISCUSSION:
1. Why do you think some people behave in apassive-aggressive way?
2. Do you often enｃounterpassive-aggressive people in your office? Give an example.
3. Are you guilty of any of the behaviorsmentioned above? Which one/s?
4. What do you think is the best way toovercome this kind of behaviors?
